in consideration of hope

Hope is strange. Early on in the TTC process (it's been almost 5 years now) I liked the hope. It made me feel better. Every new step was filled with hope. Then the losses started. I would get hopeful imagining the baby and then boom... lose it. I learned to hate the hope because of what I knew would follow it. So why is it we continue? What keeps us coming back? Ironically for me it's the hope. It's like a euphoric drug. The hope causes better days, better moods and even better sex.

So now it's years later and I've adapted to allow only a certain level of hope. I've learned to enjoy the hope I can find and hold onto.

Yes, I enjoy the hope while it's with me as I know it only lasts a short time. Like Emily Dickinson said "hope is the thing with feathers".

Today is a hopeful day.

give me an O! (please)

Well I tried with the ovualtion kits last week... and I never did get a positive. We of course, tried anyway. Then last night and today I've been having a lot of cramping in what feels like my right ovary. And yes, unfortunately after all this infertility junk, I know it's my ovary. The start of my last period was 12/06, so three things could be going on.

1 - early period
2 - late ovualtion (day 20... possible, right?)
3 - implantation

I think I'll try a little somethin' somethin' tonight just to keep all the bases covered.

No shots, no scans, no pills, no help. It would be a Christmas miracle, huh?
(not that I'm getting my hopes up)

cookie therapy

May you find peace and happinness in your heart this Christmas.

Give me an O!

I haven't used these ovualtion testing strips in a couple of years.

I had forgotten how incredibly frustrating they are. Especially before my coffee.

wow

I can't believe I haven't posted since Thanksgiving. I guess it's because this is a blog about my infertility and there isn't much going on in that arena right now. I talked to my RE when my period started (CD1 was 12/06/09) and he said we can go ahead and try the same protocol AGAIN. He said "it works for you - you get pregnant, you just don't stay pregnant". AAARGH. I wish we could afford the IVF and just be done with this, but that might just have the same effect - after all, as he said, I do GET pregnant.

Anyway, we at least have to wait a month as our insurance is changing as of Jan 1st, and that would fall right smack dab in the middle of a cycle. I'm supposed to be taking birth control pills right now, but I'm secretly not taking them. We're going to try on our own this month... after all, that septum is gone now, and I've gotten pregnant with both IUIs since then.

I was looking back on 2009, and at this time last year I was having IUI #12. That means we only tried 5 times this year. Out of those 5 tries 3 were positive. What a crap year on the TTC front, huh?

Other than that, life continues to happen. My husband is still home (AKA unemployed since March). My daughter finally lost her first tooth last week! The pictures are of my kitchen window... we finally got some snow and put our tree up, and I'm trying to get in the Christmas spirit.

I think I'm going to go buy an ovulation predictor kit today... I've still got some hope left, even after all this.

and we're off

We'll be leaving tomorrow for our annual Thanksgiving at the Great Wolf Lodge. We don't really have any family (except for my Mother in law who lives in Phoenix) so Thanksgiving would just be the 3 of us... just like every night but with more work. This will be our 4th year going, so I think it's offially our Thanksgiving tradition.

So Happy Thanksgiving to all.

thinking

I'm at the point where I need to take a breath and ask myself the tough question - should I keep going on this infertility path?

I've been thinking alot about it lately, and I'm not really sure. Since the removal of my septum in May I've only had 2 IUIs, and both resulted in a loss. That also means that since that removal my 'almost' success rate is 100%. I feel like I'm almost there... I can see the finish line. I keep telling myself "just one more try".

Then I take stock on what this whole process has done to my body. The weight gain for me has been significant. I eat when I'm stressed out - and so well, you know. The toll it has taken on me mentally is also substantial (translation - I'm a wreck!) I also think all these hormones may have an adverse affect on me down the road because this isn't natural - AT ALL!

Hmm. I know the RE is going to make me take a month off because of the Methotrexate shot, so I have time to think. I'm leaning towards going for it again. Only because I know that the end result is SO TOTALLY worth all the hardship.

11.3

Yes, I'm finally back down on the officially "not pregnant" side of things.

Woo hoo, I think.

I'm still not sure what the heck we're going to do next. This no income thing has really put a halt to any spending of any sort - if only making babies was free, huh?

I think I may need to go to the doctor and get some zoloft, and the thought of that appointment scares the daylights out of me.

not in a million years...

I never ever thought I'd be quoting Miley Cyrus, but here it is:

The Climb

I can almost see it.
that dream I'm dreaming,
but there's a voice inside of my head,
tellin' you'll never reach it
every step I'm takin'
every move I make
feels lost in no direction,
my faith is shakin'
but I gotta keep tryin'
gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast I get there
ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
it's a climb

The struggles I'm facing
the changes I'm taking
sometimes they knock me down,
but no I'm not breaking
I may not know where, but
these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin',
and I gotta be strong
just keep pushing on,
but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast I get there
ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
it's a climb

Keep on movin'
keep climbin'
keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
the climb
keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

numbers still falling

My hcg was at 499 Monday. Getting better.